Netflix Beer Me Strength

Freaking exams, man. I've never actually wanted to throw myself off a bridge more. So instead of crafting some sort of coherent post about a set topic, I'm just going to put out some stuff over what I've watched recently.

My new boyfriend's name is Netflix. He's like this really great guy with an amazing personality and he's maybe the reason there's been a small slip in my grades. Maybe.

Anyway, about a week and a half ago I decided to watch Warrior just because I wanted to evade my responsibilities and also, I mean, shirtless men punching each other? Why wouldn't I want to watch it? It turned out to be way more emotionally tearing than I thought and I kind of hate myself for watching it. I mean, it's a really good movie, but God Nick Nolte is just so sad and Tom Hardy is just so pained and Joel Edgerton is just so attractive.

I kept on my Edgerton-craze by watching Acolytes (2008), an Australian horror film about three teenagers who get into some deep shit and eventually get two deranged men (one of them Edgerton) trying to kill them (yolo swag). It's pretty decent.

And then I found some short films by Nash Edgerton, Joel's brother. The films, Spider and Bear, are about this doofus boyfriend who plays this pranks on his girlfriend that end up almost killing one or the both of them. It's weird how much I like them and how funny they are, given the previously stated premises.

On Saturday I went to go see The Great Gatsby.

We're not going to talk about The Great Gatsby.

Okay, I'll just say this: there were parts I really liked (mostly the acting (and yeah, I'm biased) and especially how the scene at Myrtle's apartment was done) and parts I really didn't (the whole Nick-at-a-sanitarium was an interesting idea, I just didn't like how it was executed. Also, there was music playing almost constantly. I get it, you've got Jay-Z and Florence and the Machine and Lana Del Ray on your soundtrack, but then there was just piano at times, too, and they really didn't need it over the dialogue in every scene.)

I found a quote in a review that pretty much sums it all up:

“The central problem with Luhrmann's film is that when it's entertaining it's not Gatsby, and when it's Gatsby it's not entertaining.” (Christopher Orr, The Atlantic)

And these are the reasons I just failed my AP US History final thankyouverymuch.

You've Got Your Work Cut Out For You, Baz

In order to prepare myself for what is sure to be an extremely emotional day (aka seeing Baz Luhrmann's The Great Gatsby), other than packing my bag with tissues, cheap candy, a paper bag, and a few adult diapers, I also watched the 1974 version, even with the knowledge that it figuratively sucked balls.

And man, did it live up to those expectations.

The biggest problem that this older version has is the actors...and the script...and the directing. (Oh God, this is going to be a long post.)

The script follows the book too closely. Almost exactly, except for some of Nick's narrative. Listen, The Great Gatsby's a fantastic book, but if you just take the words and lay them into a script format, it's going to eff shit up. What holds the book together is Nick's constant narrative of everything going on. When you take that away, all you're left with is this shitty choice of actors whispering about their problems and sweaty faces.

Speaking of the actors (we'll get to the sweat later), I basically have a problem with each one in this movie.

Tom Buchanan is supposed to be this booming, powerful man who acts like he owns everything in the room. Instead it's this guy with a mousy face and a whiny voice and really isn't scary at all.

I suppose Mia Farrow did an okay job at being Daisy, only because Daisy's the most conceited, annoying character of all. So...

Jordan in the book is known to be an athlete, a liar, and overall reckless. In the movie she's this wispy, airy, shallow pool of annoyance. She's set up as Daisy in a minor role.

I don't really know how to describe Robert Redford's Jay Gatsby. He was just there.

Nick? Nick was okay.

But everyone, everyone was whispering. Why? You've got characters in this movie that are supposed to have over-exaggerated everything, but they're all speaking softly, like they're in church. I suppose it's like when you're in a classroom and no one's talking. Then, when someone does begin to talk, they do so quietly because they're the only one. Now if someone else wants to join the conversation, they're probably going to match the volume so as to not be a complete annoyance. But there are always those one or two people in the class that talk so loudly no matter if anyone else is talking. That's how Tom and sometimes Daisy and Gatsby should have freaking talked.

And everyone was so sweaty. No one is ever that sweaty in real life. I don't care if it really is so hot you decide to take your cars and go to the Plaza. You wipe that shit off your face.

So, Dear 2013 Gatsby, please don't let me down. Let Tobey and Leo and Carey and Joel and Isla and Elizabeth fucking rock this movie. And if not, at least I'll have some nice butts to look at.

They Scalp Nazis, Don't They?

This post contains spoilers to the 2009 film, Inglourious Basterds.

So you know what's pretty cool? A few weeks ago I finally turned the age I've been telling all the ladies at the bank I am. This new age is basically the limbo between getting a driver's license and becoming a real adult, but it does have one plus: I can now finally legally watch R-rated movies in theaters and rent them from the moldy noodle-smelling place down the street.

Another thing's that's pretty cool is that I recently found out I'm going to Germany this summer. So with this new age badge and the knowledge of a future trip, I decided to rent Inglourious Basterds, because, you know, it would totally help me learn about German culture and stuff.

I've watched Django Unchained, but that's the extent of my Tarantino film knowledge. And, well, that's all I needed to really know. But I was still surprised a few times when people pulled guns out of no where and others blew innocent Germans to pieces. But I mean that's just Tarantino, making gore and the absolute pit of any country's history into a funny and well-woven movie (which, by the way, follows the conception and then execution of two different assassination attempts on Hitler in a sort of alternate-history of his time. One group made of mostly Jewish American soldiers, the Basterds- hence the title of the film- started by just scalping the Nazi soldiers- hence the title of this post- and then worked their way up to assassination).

There are a few things I noticed while watching this movie. One is that Christoph Waltz is such a babe. Like, really. It was hard to not think of him as adorable, even as he sent his men to shoot down the hiding Jewish family in France or as he strangled Diane Kruger. Another is that I could thankfully understand a little of the German spoken in the film without subtitles. And also that watching Hitler be blown to pieces is very, very satisfying.

Looking past the just-confusing spelling of the movie's title, I really liked it. Like, really. Even more than Django, and that had fucking Leonardo DiCaprio in it. That's how much I liked it, with Adorable Christoph Waltz and Funny Brad Pitt and Beautiful Eli Roth (aka the Bear Jew).

And now I totally know my German history, y'all.

[REC]-It Clara

This post contains spoilers to the 2012 movie, [REC] 3: Genesis, which you have probably never heard of and will probably never see but whatever

Foreign films are some of the most cherished in America, mostly because, if they make it across the see/over the border/through the atmosphere, they must be pretty damn good. Movies like The Artist, Amour, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and Biutiful are the reason the Academy Awards has a whole category reserved for foreign films.

Buuut sometimes a bad film or two slip through the cracks of this filter and make it to (at least) some very-limited release in theaters or just two copies in a video store, the latter being exactly how I found [REC] 3: Genesis.

Well, I had actually seen the movie's two predecessors before, which led to my renting it.

In short, the first [REC] is about these people who are trapped in an apartment building because of an outbreak in some crazy disease that turns people into zombies (kind of). I've been told it's the Spanish Quarantine. It was received very well, earning a 96% on RottenTomatoes among critics.

[REC] 2 follows the remaining humans in the apartment building, along with three new ones who sneak into the building via tunnel and also record the crazy happenin's. It received considerably less on RT, but still making it “fresh”, earning a 69%.

And now...[REC] 3: Genesis. In this movie, the characters, all different from it predecessors', are at Clara and Koldo's wedding when the uncle goes crazy and attacks. The bride and groom are separated, and the rest of the movie follows them trying to find the other, making tons of stupid decisions along the way. Some examples are (1) the fact that Clara keeps her heels on the entire time, (2) when Koldo goes out to look for her, puts on a suit of armor for protection, but doesn't cover his head, (3) the bride using a chainsaw to cut a weird v-shape out of her dress, (4) each and every time anyone stopped to look at the crowd of zombies approaching them instead of fucking running, (5) in the end, when Koldo picks Clara up after she's been infected and walks up to these police officers and starts making out with Clara, resulting in her biting his tongue off, and many, many more. (Frankly, it was no surprise that this movie got 38% on RT. It's one of those franchises where they just should have stopped.)

But if you're looking for a somewhat-gory, non-acclaimed, Spanish movie to watch with you kids or lover or something, you've got three to choose from.

4077

It all started with a link. A link to a website that streams dozens of classic television shows constantly. And, in my boredom, I made the fatal mistake of clicking on M*A*S*H. When I was younger, it was known as the boring war show my mom watched. Now it's my new obsession.

The bad thing is, I can't pause the series online, so while I search for some freaking place in this damned city that has it for rent, I figured I would watch the movie (that shares the name but not the asterisks), that was inspired by the book, MASH: A Novel About Three Army Doctors, but also inspired the TV series.

In short, MASH follows doctors Benjamin “Hawkeye” Pierce and John McIntyre through their daily shenanigans and life-saving on site during the Korean War. There are other characters (with some pretty good nicknames i.e. Radar, Hot Lips), too, who all add to the black comedy of the film (and series).

For the most part watching the movie, I was utterly confused. Why were lines of dialogue running over each other to the point of completely not being to understand any of it? Who was the twelve-year-old in the O.R. who slipped up and then began to cry like a little baby? Why did the whole 4077 assist with the dentist's suicide? (Like, they even threw a freaking farewell party.) Why did McIntyre suddenly punch some other guy in a closet? Why did Donald Sutherland sound like he had been drinking all day? These questions remain unanswered.

Speaking of Donald Sutherland, who played Hawkeye, he was so totally unlikable in the movie compared to Alan Alda's Hawkeye in the series, I could have cried. Like, Movie Hawkeye is such a dick. TV Hawkeye is more sassy.

The writing in the movie was also surpassed by the series, which is a little strange considering only one guy, Ring Lardner, Jr., wrote the screenplay for the movie, while over a dozen different people were involved in writing the episodes for M*A*S*H in the first season alone, including Alda himself. Usually those result in the opposite effects.

So I definitely like the series better, which is no surprise considering I love Alan Alda, yo.

I mean, effing look at him!

But it's also quite terrible because it's freaking eleven seasons long and no freaking video store in my area seems to have the seasons at all (which, I'll admit, is a good thing because I should be studying).

Reading Books for Fun and a Grade

Sometimes I read books. And while that sometimes is mostly pushed by the fact that I get a grade for it in class, my reading can also be because of interest in said stack of flattened trees. (Apparently this is how it usually goes.)

Writing Movies for Fun and Profit by Robert Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon is not a movie. So I guess you could go all Matthew-McConaughey-after-he-finds-out-his-mom-hired-Sarah-Jessica-Parker-to-date-him-in-Failure-to-Launch and call me a liar, because this is supposed to be a blog only about movies (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and talking about a book on here is kind of disturbing (what's more disturbing, though, is that spell-check thought I meant Matthew-Megajoules). But I'm going to do it.

This past summer I read WMfFaP. In the book they make some crude jokes and low-blows and swear a lot, and that's basically everything I do and love. The book and I got along great. Next week we're going to meet each other's parents.

Garant and Lennon basically lay out everything a screenwriter's got to do if they want a chance at becoming the next Woody Allen (except for less creepy). So really only read this book if you're interested in that kind of stuff. Or other movie production stuff would also suffice. Or if you want a long list of all the In 'n' Out Burger joints in the Los Angeles area (fo' real, Chapter 22).

And while the cover may totally turn you off (or on, idk), Writing Movies for Fun and Profit is a great read for all of you aspiring screenwriters, producers, agents, managers, or just fans of the authors (who am I kidding here? Forget the latter.)

The wonderful cover of Garant's and Lennon's book. It's a winner, ladies and gents.

Trailers, Trailers, Everywhere

Oh my God, y'all.

Not only is The Great Gatsby only like thirty-six days away, but a third and fabulous trailer was just released. This is big. Like, it's so close. I've been waiting for this baby for two and a half years.

And then there's this fabulous poster:

Earlier this week, trailers for the Pineapple Express reunion movie, This is the End, and for the indie hit, The English Teacher were also released. And e'erything's looking good.

Hopefully these movies will be able to make up for Safe Haven.