Movie
theaters have dozens of things wrong with them. The tickets and food
are effing pricy, the floors are sticky, the bathrooms smell awful,
et cetera, but those can be ignored. What can't be ignored is the
annoying person next to you in the theater commenting on every little
thing or the person three rows down with the crying baby. Those are
just movie killers. And more times than none it’ll get you dirty
glares and angry whispers from all around. And maybe some
death-plotting from the more serious movie-goers.
Most
of the time I just want to watch a movie in perfect quiet. My mom,
however, seems to have a need to comment on the littlest of things
during a movie. When Harry
Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
had come out on DVD, my family immediately bought it and made a movie
night out of it (of course, only my mom, sister, and I were
watching). Even though we had all seen the movie already, my sister
and I watched it like it was our first time: fully engrossed with
that glazed-over stare you can only get when two emotionally unstable
teenage girls watch a movie about wizards defeating a dark lord with
no nose. My mom almost completely ruined the night for us, though,
with her, “This is my favorite part!” and “Oh, he is just
perfect for this role” and “Actually this is my favorite part.
Hmmm, no it’s probably tied with the scene where-”. Karalee and I
were nice about it at first. She told our mother politely that, “We’d
really just like to watch this movie without talking.” That didn’t
work. Then, near the end right before Snape died, my mom decided it
was the perfect time to put a load of laundry into the dryer, which
also meant, unspokenly, that she would also be checking her email,
Facebook, and cnn.com.
Karalee and I refused to pause the movie (Rebel! Rebel!), which
gained us the last twenty minutes in perfect, tear-filled silence.
Then,
when I went to go see Skyfall with my mother, even though I
had already seen it, I still wanted to just sit and watch. We didn't
get through the first scene before she had gasped and “oh no”-ed
when James Bond had gotten shot and fell off of a bridge (it’s in
the freaking trailer, woman). It’s one of those things people do
sometimes: they say something just to be heard saying it. “Oh no”
is almost never a reflex like jumping during a scary movie or
laughing when someone makes a joke. It was unnecessary, like when
Bond was walking through an abandoned underground train station and
she said, “I don’t want to watch. This is too scary.”
There
are other ways to be freaking annoying at the movie theater than just
talking. For example, when I went to go see Harry Potter and the
Deathly Hallows Part 1, someone had apparently thought it a good
idea to bring their infant along with. I don't know if they couldn't
get a babysitter or what, but when it started crying just during the
title credits I didn't care. I wanted that baby out.
Another
way to get pissy people like me to glare at you in a movie theater is
to be super loud with that very expensive candy you just bought.
Listen, there are ads before the movie for a reason: it's so that you
can open up your Reese's Pieces then as opposed to while Jesus is
being crucified in The Passion of the Christ, which is
actually a true and very unfortunate story.
I
mean, of course you can totally avoid all of these things. You could
smuggle in your own, cheap drink and candy into the theater; you
could just hold your pee until you get home; you could even go to the
theater at such an obscure time by yourself that no one would be
around to talk to you/cry/have problems opening a plastic bag/all of
the above. Or, you know, you could just wait a few months and rent
the thing for a few bucks.
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