Door is Not a Jar

Yes. It’s another Halloween post.

My childhood was a magical time. Disney movies were still original and Lindsay Lohan wasn’t a cracked-up whore mess. Bush was still president and I’m pretty sure most paints still contained lead. Just…magical.

As Halloween approached every year, besides making the ever-important decision to what my costume would be (starting in 1996: jack-o-lantern, clown, Simba, witch, M &M, devil, devil, gypsy, devil, witch, robber, car crash victim, Hannah Montana, robber, robber, robber. Okay, yeah. I was getting lazy with my costumes and my mom, chagrin about me leaving the house wielding a fake gun), was the rising anticipation for the great Mainframe Entertainment movie, Scary Godmother.

Based on the 1997 book by Jill Thompson, this movie was originally only released in Europe, Canada, and Latin America. Eventually it got around to the United States and has showed on Cartoon Network every Halloween since 2004.

Growing up, I wasn’t really allowed to watch Cartoon Network because of its somewhat violent and scary shows (I’m talking Courage the Cowardly Dog, The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, and even The Powerpuff Girls. Yes, I blame my parents for the deprived childhood I had), so watching Scary Godmother was kind of a big deal for me.

My sister and I love the movie. We love it. Even to this day when it’s on we call the other up to inform them. We’re pretty legitimate teenagers.

It’s not scary, nor is it supposed to be (the vampires are kind of creepy, though. Remember when vampires weren’t sexy, sparkly heartthrobs?), but it’s funny and sort of dorky and terribly animated. Scary Godmother is just a cute move that my sister and I don’t want to leave behind as we grow up. (It’s the same reason she still sleeps with her giant Dill doll from Rugrats even though the doll it’s completely freaky.)

I probably like watching this movie more now than I did as a kid; I get some of the jokes I was too stupid to understand when I was eight. One of the kids in the movie, Bert, dresses as a baseball player in an SUV for Halloween. Throughout the movie, he pretends to really be in a car, rolling down the “window” so that he can hear what people are saying and even repeating, “Door is ajar” over and over until someone closes the pretend door. Of course, when I was younger I thought Bert was calling the door a jar. Yeah…

Whether it’s freaky-ass vampires or confusing door-jars, Spooky Godmother is pretty awesome. When I’m older, I’ll show it to my kids and they better love it or I’ll refuse to feed them until they do. Oh, motherhood.

The Others: Best Scary Movie (from a Girl Who's Only Seen Three)

It shouldn't be any surprise to you that it's fall. The weather's changing; you find yourself less disgusted by over-weight girls in short-shorts but more in over-weight girls in yoga pants. Everyone is updating their Facebook statuses to express their love for this season and I sort of agree. I mean, the trees are pretty, the bugs are dying, and I don't have to shave my legs anymore. It's pretty great. But around early October all of the new scary movie promotions start and I'm left debating whether I was wrong.
I hate scary movies. They're just awful and that's why I've only seen like three of them.
It's been said before (by me,nonetheless) how, these days, scary movies unoriginal and uninspired. I definitely also don't want to spend ten dollars to get the crap scared out of me for two hours (because no matter how stupid the scary movie is, it'll still scare the bejesus out of me). The same goes for haunted houses.
I will admit that I've seen a few of these movies that are good over the years, though. A few. Those are the exception, not the rule.
Like The Others. It's a pretty kick-ass movie. Starring Nicole Kidman, the movie was nominated for the BAFTA Best Original Screenplay Award (for a horror film that's a pretty big feat). I was pretty reluctant to watch it at first (see above paragraph), but my mom convinced me and I found myself pleasantly surprised.
During the whole movie, Grace Stewart (Kidman) thinks her new house is haunted by ghosts. Some crazy and creepy stuff goes down that I can't remember but there's something to do with a piano and a room filled with things covered in white sheets (aren't I the best at blogging?). Stuff gets really creepy when Grace finds a book of the dead in the house's attic that includes a picture of, oh no big deal, just the house-hands that have been helping her family move in for the past few weeks. IN THE BOOK OF THE DEAD.
As it turns out, Grace herself is really dead, along with her children (whom she killed in hysteria after her husband was lost, or something). The “ghosts” in the house are actually living people trying to get rid of the ghosts that haunt their new house. The house Grace thought was her new house that was haunted by ghosts. It's pretty trippy.
I know my summary of this movie is completely subpar, but it's seriously the best scary movie I've ever seen. And the best out of three is pretty good, I would say.

Please Stop, M. Night Shyamalan (aka Scary Movies Suck)

In 2011, up-and-coming actress Jennifer Lawrence was nominated for an Academy Award as Best Actress in a Lead Role for her work in Winter's Bone. The film itself was a critical hit, earning 94% on rottentomatoes.com. Lawrence went on to star in The Hunger Games (2012), which turned her into one of the sought-after young actresses of today. Many anticipated her next move, what would her next project be? The answer to that question is an unfortunate House at the End of the Street. It bombed, earning 12% on RT.

About a year ago, little sister of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Elizabeth, took her first step towards fame with the hit Indie film, Martha Marcy May Marlene (90%, RT). She was nominated for several best actress and breakthrough performance awards and, again, people asked the same question they did with Lawrence. In 2012, Olsen's next film, Silent House, was released; it earned 41% on RT.

What makes these young actresses want to go from acting nominations, award shows, nights of glamor and celebrities, and people you don't know handing you glasses filled with expensive wine (that probably happens, right?) to running from demons in forests at night in the absolute worst scary movies? Nine out of ten of theses that are released do awful critically, if not slightly better than that in theaters.

Maybe these actresses think scary movies will jump-start their careers as stars (in 2013, actress Anna Hutchison will have starred in three scary movies out of four movies total. By the same year, Sara Paxton will have starred in six scary movies just since 2009. Even Chloe Grace Moretz, an established fifteen-year-old actress, has starred in ten scary movies since 2005.) but don't Best Actress nominations already do that? I hardly doubt that these movies were the only ones Lawrence and Olsen could get.

Go back a few decades and, yeah, scary movies could've made you famous. That's only because, back then, these types of movies were scarce and original.

Take Jennifer Aniston. Her acting career was launched after playing Tory Redding in Leprechaun in 1993; since then she hasn't starred in another scary movie. Jamie Lee Curtis had the same thing happen to her with 1978's Halloween. Sandra Bullock has only starred in one horror film since the beginning of her career in 1987 and Meryl Streep, none, since hers a decade earlier. Yet these actresses have won countless awards and earned millions of dollars...weird.

This is the way to go: not starring in several scary movies over the course of a few years, or at all. Nowadays, all of these movies are about vampire-hunters or exorcisms or it's a Paranormal Activity sequel.

Hopefully Lawrence and Olsen will get this. I mean, Lawrence has TIFF-hit Silver Linings Playbook coming out soon, along with the much-anticipated, Catching Fire in 2013. Olsen is now starring in the independent film written and directed by Josh Radnor, Liberal Arts (now 68%, RT).

Now we just have to work on Chloe Grace Moretz.