Movie Reviews, Like Carpal Tunnel, Are Silent Killers

One of the hardest things about watching a movie is watching it with a clear mind. I know it's a little clichéd, but we seldom ever do it. You see previews for a film you want to see, make a note of the release date, and think of whom to see it with. Then you either hear or read a bad, a really bad, review for the movie you thought you wanted to see but now you're not so sure.

It's a total bummer.

My mom does this all the time. Every season in an entertainment magazine a list of movies is printed; she'll tear it out and highlight the ones she wants to see. As each date approaches, she'll read the magazine's review for it. Most of the time it's not what she was hoping for (because her choice in movies can really suck sometimes, like the reviews for the Kevin-James-is-an-adorable-chubby-guy or Adam-Sandler-makes-a-bunch-of-boob-jokes movies she looks forward to seeing. Sometimes the two will even be put together and somehow push out a sequel, which she'll want to see until she reads the bad reviews it will so obviously get. This is very true.)

Then my mom will sigh hopelessly and tell me, “Well, I guess your father and I won't go see Grown Ups 2 tonight, it got such bad reviews. There's really no point in even going to dinner. We'll just stay home.” And then I give her a look because I totally love it when they're out of the house.

Looking at reviews is a bad idea.

Critics' definition of a review is telling everything bad about how a movie was written, directed, produced, and acted-out. But movie-goers seldom walk out of theaters saying, “The movie's last hour or so squanders these rich narrative possibilities in an incoherently plotted, generically action-packed anticlimax.” (Dana Stevens on The Bourne Legacy, Slate) or “[It] feels like a retreat - into manufactured drama shellacked with sticky sentimentality, into risk-free storytelling full of coldly contrived conflict.” (Stephen Whitty on The Odd Life of Timothy Green, Newark Star-Ledger). People go to see movies because it looks like two hours of fun cheaper and more legal than heroine. (Really, Macy? Heroine? This is your AP Lang blog. Oh, whatever. It's all downhill from here.)

Anyway, if someone is getting paid, either by you or an employer, to give you advice it's not what you should listen to (exception: therapists...maybe). And if I have to give out advice now, it would be to (1) just go see the movie without looking at the reviews (besides, who wants to be told how bad the gift is before opening it?), (2) like better movies, or (3) ask a friend who's seen it, unless they're a movie critic because did you not just read this blog?